Thirteen Candles
by hemlockforensics
Summary: Life is hard being a Jewish family in Salt Lake City, especially for the Vantases. Karkat is almost about to have his Bar Mitzvah; he is constantly worried about his religious family finding out his true sexuality and the boy in his religion studies class is not helping. Kankri is having his own troubles when the new hey-babe at his school gets his dream role in the school play.


_**Hey guys! Sorry for not finishing the last fanfic. I PROMISE TO DO IT SOON. So, I wanted to write this story because it sounded like fun! So anyway, it's a Humanstuck story about a single father and his two boys being Jewish in the middle of Salt Lake City, Utah. Karkat's Bar Mitzvah is coming up, and he is stressed out because he feels like it's wrong; namely because of his sexuality. In this story, the Signless is about 45, Karkat is 12, and Kankri is 16. Pairings will definitely be Johnkat and Cronkri, but if you want anything else just let me know and I will totally add it in! Rating may change depending on what you want ;) If you have any questions about religion and such, ask them! I love all y'all!**_

_**Hemlockforensics **_

_**PS: Triggerable things in this chapter include swearing, homosexuality and the questioning of religion. I don't mean anything insulting to religion at all, as I am Jewish myself, but I just wanted to capture the essence of what it might feel like to be growing up and questioning your faith. I DON'T OWN HOMESTUCK. Thanks ily bye! **_

READER: Be the short, unhappy boy.

You are now suddenly both short and unhappy; not that you always haven't been unhappy. You are just extremely unhappy in this particular moment. Religion has never been one of your strong points, and you find everything about it insanely boring. You don't get why people would continue to believe in this bullshit just so they could start wars and kill one another for it; and you certainly don't get why you have to participate if you don't give a single shit about the subject. You knew that if there were a God, your life would be a lot better than it is. You would probably A) Have a mother, B) Be slightly Taller and C) Well, whatever else is wrong with your life. If a God existed, Shabbat would definitely not exist.

"Karkat, please light the candles," Your insanely exciting thoughts on the subject of religion are suddenly interrupted by the deep, Baritone voice of your father. He is looking at you, with a smile on his face probably hoping to hide his disappointment at what a failure you are. You know that he's only doing this so that your Aunt will think you're a happy family. What the fuck ever.

Your Aunt and her two daughters are currently standing at the table with you. They are equally as sickeningly religious as your family, but at least they don't constantly rub it in like some people. You can't really stand them, though, if everyone is being completely honest. Your Aunt is a tall woman, much taller than your father; with large breasts and an extremely uptight attitude. She always uses the most pristine grammar and constantly checks up on yours. You find this absolutely charming. Not. Her oldest daughter is named Porrim, and she's quite a handful; probably the most rebellious person in your synagogue. You guess you could respect her for that. But her slutty clothing, makeup, tattoos and piercings make her look like the largest idiot alive. You figure it would be better to find rebellion in much more important things. The youngest daughter is standing next to you right now; her name is Kanaya, and she is a year older than you. She's honestly the one person in your whole fucking family that you can kind of appreciate, considering she understood you on practically every level. You might even classify Kanaya as your best friend, aside from Gamzee of course. She is tall, like her mother and sister, but has short hair and tasteful makeup. She finds her rebellions in other, more constructive ways, like having a secret girlfriend. If her mom, or really anyone else found out about her being a homosexual, you know they would flip major shit.

That's why Kanaya is the only person who knows you're a homosexual, and you're the only person (aside from her school friends) who knows that she's one too.

Kanaya coughed and looked right at you, "Karkat," she said, "You need to light the candles."

Fuck, you almost forgot. You were too busy learning about your surroundings to remember that you are currently in charge of saying the prayer of the wine for Shabbat. You glance at everyone who is standing around you. Your father still has that fake smile on his face, but his eyes told you that you were gonna get one hell of a lecture after this. Dolly (your aunt, with a name that does not fit that fucking sour look on her face) looks completely unamused. It's a guarantee that she'll be talking to your father about this, and what a complete nuisance you are compared to your perfect brother, who, is looking like a complete martyr. He's standing right next to you, and is keeping his eyes closed, probably praying or something fucking awful like that. You really hate him and how perfect he is. Porrim is yawning, and scratching the back of her head, just to earn a glare from your brother. You realize you have probably paused for too long.

You have never been in charge of the Kiddush blessing before, and you are afraid that you'll mess up somehow. What if you were to knock one of the sacred candles over and light the house on fire? What if you were to light Kankri's red sweater on fire?...Alright, that would be fucking hilarious. But you are not going to use the sacred candles to light your brother's beloved sweater on fire, no matter how ugly it is. You take a deep breath before picking up the glass of wine.

"Baruch atah, Adonai, Eloheinu, Melech Haolam, borei p'ri hagafen, Amen." You closed your eyes and took a sip of the wine. Fucking hell it was gross, but you guessed it didn't hurt to just get it over with. You frown and put it down, giving a look to your father that reads _Happy now?!_

READER: Be the slightly taller, and completely perfect boy.

Alright, you are three inches taller than your brother, and you suppose that is something to be proud of. However, you are not completely perfect and it is awful for anyone to think that you are completely perfect. At the same time, if one were to ask you if anyone could be perfect, you would tell them that God has made everyone equally perfect. Even your brother, who almost spilled the Kiddush all over himself. You had to shut your eyes prior to the prayer to keep yourself from rolling them at his ignorance. You need to keep your reputation clean around your aunt, as she has so much influence on your father. Unlike your brother, you just go along with it, because you don't see the point in wasting your time by rebelling. It's honestly a silly concept, and it is much easier to just go along with what people tell you to do.

You are not perfect though. Mainly because you were just praying to the Lord that your brother would somehow knock one of the candles over and light this horrendous sweater on fire. You despise this sweater, and yet you have to wear it every Shabbat because Porrim made it for you. It's an awful color, and it makes you look like a candy-cane with your white skin. Plus it was itchy and uncomfortable, and the only reason you wear it is because you know your father would get the brunt of Dolly's anger if Porrim was to find out that you hated it.

Luckily, even though you and Porrim go to the same school, you never have to wear this ugly sweater outside of your house. Even though going to Catholic school can be a nuisance, you are glad you can learn about other religions and wear a uniform every day, so that you only have to wear this thing three hours every Friday. Of course, you despise the uniforms as well, considering the khaki shorts are always riding up your arse. It is honestly the worst feeling ever, and it makes you feel like an 18th Century prostitute. However, women in the 18th Century were not wearing pants. However, you understand that you were just comparing the two. Although, prostitutes were just attempting to make money, so you suppose you should not judge them, even though their choices are quite different from yours. For example, you do not plan to do anything sexually triggering until you are married to Latula Pyrope. Specifically Latula, because she is a good, wealthy and intelligent Jewish girl whom your father approves of. You have never really been that interested in girls in the first place, so you do not really mind which one you end up with. And she seems pretty, albeit completely triggering, and rarely uses proper grammar. But you believe you can learn to love any girl. Probably.

READER: Be the uptight and slightly freaking out father.

Thank the good fucking Lord in Heaven that your goddamn son didn't fuck up the Kiddush. You almost shit your pants when it looked like he wasn't paying attention, and you knew Dolly would be right up your ass if anything were to go wrong. You swear to god, you don't know how that boy is going to get through his fucking Bar Mitzvah in four months. Just the thought of it is almost enough to make you want to shoot someone. Hard. In the balls. Alright, so maybe that's a little violent, but you don't really give a fuck.

Kankri, of course, did the Challah prayer perfectly, and you were able to serve it, no problem. The rest of the night went smoothly, and you feel completely relieved that you survived yet another week. After the sun had gone down, your sister decided to approach you in the kitchen, making multiple chills go up your spine.

You are really scared of this woman.

"Signless," She said, putting her hands on her hips, "Thank you for, yet again, another beautiful Shabbat."

"Yes, of course, Dolly," You attempt to put on your best fake smile, hoping she won't see through it. Resistance, in this case, is futile. But one can always hope, right? "We cannot wait to have you over again next week."

"Right, of course," She smiled back, placidly at you, making you want to gouge your own eyeballs out with a spoon and piss your pants at the same time.

You coughed, considering she was making to other move to talk, and yet still standing right there. "So, Kanaya's Bat Mitzvah is tomorrow, right? I bet you're pretty excited about that."

"Yes, I suppose I am," She stood straighter, if that was even possible, and looked down her nose at you. Fucking frightening. "I do hope Karkat will be there, and on his best behavior."

"Right! Yes, of course," You nod your head, "We have already picked out his outfit and everything. He is quite excited for Kanaya, as they are very close."

"Mmm…" She raised her eyebrows, "And there will be no cursing I hope?"

Fuck, you knew there was something more to this. It's very rare that you can get out of one of Dolly's lectures. You're pretty sure Kankri got the same fucking gene. Maybe they could just go somewhere else together and never come back. Jesus. "Of course not. Karkat is a great boy, I am sure he will be on his best behavior."

"Well, I assumed so," She pursed her lips, "However, one cannot help but be slightly worried after what she has heard from the Rabbi about his Torah Studies in preparation for his Bar Mitzvah."

"What have you heard from the Rabbi?" You fold your arms, turning to her. Fucking hell, Karkat, what did you do now?!

"Well, he has cursed openly during class, and has openly insulted both his classmates and the good Rabbi." She turned her head to inspect the room, "And I suppose that is not a promising trait in a young lad, like him."

You should pay attention to your own fucking children, you thought. You tried your best to keep the smile up as you looked up at her, "Alright, Dolly, I will talk to him. Thank you for telling me."

"Yes, well I assume a father should know about his son." She nodded, walking out of the kitchen. "I will see you tomorrow, Brother. Make sure Karkat's hair is gelled, it looks awful when messy."

"I will." You nod.

READER: Be Karkat again.

You now feel much shorter, and much more angry than before. Although, you were pretty fucking angry. Right now, you are sitting on the floor of your bedroom, going through your notes. "Fuck, I lost the goddamn speech prep thing…"

"Well, Karkat, is your Bar Mitzvah not in four months?" Kanaya is sitting across from you, tucking some of her hair behind her ear, "Surely that is enough time for you to make a new one."  
>"Yeah, but Kankri wanted to take a look at it before your ceremony tomorrow," You groan, "And if I don't find it right the fuck now, then you can kiss my sorry ass goodbye until Christmas."<p>

"Karkat, we do not celebrate Christmas," She quirked one side of her black painted lips into a smile.

"Quit being a smartass," You glared up at her, "I am being fucking serious right now! If I don't find that goddamn sheet for my speech Kankri is gonna be so far up my ass, he'll come out of my mouth!"

"I don't believe I needed that imagery," She crinkled her nose, and gave a light chuckle, "I'll tell Porrim to distract him tomorrow. She bought him an outfit to change into, after all."

"Jesus, does she never give up?" You grumbled, putting your notes away.

"I do not suppose so," Kanaya nodded, smiling a little bit wider, "Have you chosen your outfit for tomorrow? I hope it's not a t-shirt and jeans."

"I promise to wear the Green Day one?" You look at her with a shrug. Her eyes widen, clearly appalled, "I was joking." You deadpan.

"Oh! Good." She nodded, "Because I promise there will be plenty of cute boys there from my school."

"Fuck! Kanaya!" You lean over, daringly, "Don't say that so loudly!"

"Your brother and my sister are downstairs and are yelling," She motioned to the noise, "And our parents are in the kitchen. With those two, I doubt anyone could hear me if I screamed."

"Yeah, but I'm still not ready to like, you know, talk about it," You lean back, "I only fucking told you yesterday."

"I would have found out anyway." She shrugged, "Considering I always had to delete your search history before Kankri inspected it."

"Fuck, WHAT?!" Your eyes widen, oh that was not fucking good. "Kanaya, I never told you to do that!"

"Would you rather Kankri do it?" She raised her eyebrows, "Also, you're twelve. Stop that immediately."

"It's not like I've been looking up PORN!" You frown, "God, who the fuck do you think I am? Some kind of horny teenager?!"

"Yes, but one might get suspicious when you have been secretly watching every episode of Glee. I said nothing about porn." Her eyes twinkled.

"Fucking hell," You slouch back down, "I wouldn't watch porn. Shit is disgusting."

"What if a certain nerd were in it?" Her eyes gleamed again. Oh holy shit, she did NOT just go there.

"OUT OF MY ROOM. RIGHT THE FUCK NOW."


End file.
